I’ve never quite fancied the phrase, “If life hands you lemons, make some lemonade.” I’m the kind of person that doesn’t want to make lemonade if I wasn’t planning on it, and I definitely wouldn’t want sour lemons if I were hoping for oranges.
In case you aren’t aware, this is a horrible way to live, as it is also a horrible way to let God be Lord of your life. I’ve expected a lot of oranges and whatnot lately, but I’ve received many lemons instead. Over time I’ve noticed myself having more anxiety, more often feeling discontent and frustrated, and inevitably trusting God less and less. To put it frankly, I became a bratty child of God who felt entitled to non-lemons.
Lemons come in the form of closed doors, unexpected “no’s,” unexpected problems, God’s silence, periods of waiting, and all those other things that happen that just don’t go your way or how you expected them to go.
When I want an orange and someone gives me a sour lemon that I didn’t want, all I want to do with that lemon is throw it at something or to turn it into an orange via wishful thinking or pestering God. Continue reading
While I was on the plane yesterday I remembered a time when my family first found out my dad was cheating on my mom. I was 16, and my mom locked herself in her room crying. Seeing your mom sob is a disorienting experience, by the way. And as this memory rushed through my head on the airplane I started to feel guilty for not having known how to console my mom back then. She didn’t have anyone to comfort her, and I didn’t know how, and a sense of guilt anchored itself at the bottom of my stomach.
My counselor’s voice rang in my head. It wasn’t my responsibility to do something. I was only 16 years old. It’s not fair for me to expect myself to have known what to do in that moment. I was only 16.
But then I got angry at Jesus. I typically get really angry when I know Jesus cares about someone and he doesn’t meet them when they need him. And while I’m in my season of counseling and as the Lord is undoing the unhealthy ways I take on responsibility, I have lots of questions that I need answers for. Actually, it’s usually the same question, which was true for this particular memory as well. I kept thinking, “Why wasn’t Jesus comforting her in that moment, then?” If it wasn’t my responsibility to comfort my mom, then whose was it? Jesus’, naturally, I’d think. Then why didn’t he do anything? Continue reading
It’s 5am, and I can’t sleep, so I got out of bed. I know I’ll regret it in a few hours, but I suppose I don’t really have a choice since I’ve already been tossing and turning for a couple of hours. So what better thing to do than to blog!
I’m restless, and all I can think about is housing and fund development. Benson and I are planning to move in a few months, so we’ve been looking for new houses. Don’t worry, we’ll still be in San Diego. Probably even closer to you. 🙂
Anyway, for some reason I feel like I have no faith that God wants to give us an amazing new place to live that lives up to our current awesome house. Ditto on the faith thing for God providing the rest of the money in regards to fundraising. I don’t know what brought me here. These are two areas I usually have a lot of trust in the Lord with, but for some reason I’ve been having a hard time with these lately, and I can’t seem to muster up enough faith to not be anxious about them.
And, here we go.
Am I really expected to “muster” up faith, anyway? I often hear people say, and I’ve said this myself, “God is testing my faith”…but is that even true? I know as we go through life our integrity, character, etc. are tested, maybe by God, maybe just by life, but how much does God actually test our faith? Continue reading
Sometimes dealing with broken situations is really difficult for me because the messiness that comes with them is taxing, and the hope of the light at the end of the tunnel easily becomes faint.
While the Lord has healed much of the brokenness in my family, there is still a long road to go. During the season leading up to Benson’s and my wedding we were dealing heavily with the effects of the brokenness in each of our families. It was extremely hard and often filled me with anxiety and stress.
I’ve spent the last 10 years cleaning up the trail left by my dad’s sinful affair. If any of you have experienced the loss of a parent in some form or another (for me it was the loss of a parent in the nucleus of our family), you know how heavy the burden is when family member roles get shifted. Continue reading